Of Thoughts and Feelings
by KingxLeon21
Summary: Screwed up big time, hangin' by a lifeline, thought that she'd be fine, but felt that he was left behind. Can one make up for something that happened so long ago... Hell hath no fury like a Puckett scorned. I own nothing.


Hey hey fanfictioneers and fanfictionistas. I decided to go ahead and publish this one shot that had been sitting in my files for a long time.

Not much to say here so I'll just let ya get to it… I give you 'Of Thoughts and Feelings'

Please read Review and Enjoy

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><p>Of Thoughts and Feelings<p>

Freddie stepped out of his apartment, ready to head across the hall to install a new program on to his iCarly laptop. He raises his hand to knock and hears a strange sound coming from his friend's apartment. He knows that he shouldn't… he knows that its wrong… but his adventurous side gets the better of him. He presses his ear to the door, and tries to hear what's going on, on the other side of the door.

"Are you sure?" he hears a sniffle, but can't tell from whom it came.

"I… three times… " The voice is speaking at a tone that couldn't fully penetrate the door so he could only hear bits and pieces of her conversation. However, there was a more pressing matter on his mind. _Was that Sam's voice?_ He immediately berates himself, _Who else would it be?_ "… and… was… same."

"Well… did… Rick?" there's no audible answer. He feels a familiar pang of jealousy surge through his chest, at the mention of Sam's boyfriend. "Well… what did he say?"

There's no answer for a while. She couldn't have nodded or shook her head… it wasn't a yes or no question. His guess was that whatever Rick said wasn't what she wanted to hear. "He said… hard for him… that… then I'm on my own." He hears a small, indignant, gasp that, he was sure, came from Carly, "What… going to do, Carls? I can't… without him. I… all alone." Freddie wants to barge in and find out what happened.

But he knows he has no place in it. Unfortunately he lost his chance to play the part of her comforter. His anger rises, because he knows that Rick now has that job and is neglecting it. Then it dawns on him… whatever was happening… Rick left her. He's about to barge in, hoping that Carly left her front door unlocked… as always. He decides to test it… he slowly turns the knob, _Great, it's unlocked._ He cracks the door slightly so that he can hear the conversation better. There's a long pause and he fears that he's been caught.

Thankfully, Freddie hears Carly's voice once again, "Sam… you're not alone. I'm here, Spencer's here… and I'm sure Freddie will…"

"I'm not tellin' him anything." Then Venom in her voice isn't needed to remind him why she won't tell him anything.

"Well, Sam, in any case, you're still you. You were Sam Puckett before Rick and you'll be Sam Puckett without him." Her voice was chipper. It was that same Carly determination that's foiled many a deranged teacher or egomaniacal psychopath. "and like I said before, you're not alone in this… I'll be there with ya."

"Thanks." She still sounds dejected.

"You know Sam… it's ok to cry if you want. It won't be bad forever. Sure there will be some changes but some of them will be for the better and I'm sure that in the end it'll be worth it."

"No, Carls. I can't cry. I have to be strong because there's no one else. I know you guys'll be there but you can't be there all of the time. The only person that can do that is me. So I have to be strong enough to make up for two people. Who's to say that this whole thing won't blow up in my face?" he hears a long exasperated sigh, "I wish I could make it all go away."

"I'm sorry Sam. I wish I could make it go away for you."

"Thanks… I'm gonna go up to your room and lie down."

Freddie figured that this was as good a time as any to make his appearance. With a couple of deep breaths, to ready himself for the tiny acting job he was going to have to do, he knocked twice on the door and entered the apartment.

"Hey Carly..." He took this moment to take in the look on her face. She looked totally distraught, "You ok?"

He noticed a flash of apprehension grace her features. The look was soon replaced with a forced smile, "Yeah… just… thinkin' about some things." He listened as the lie fell from her lips.

He accepted the lie because he knew why she was lying. "Ok… well… I'm goin' up to the studio to update the laptop… and program the remote." He chances one more look to Carly when she doesn't respond.

Wordlessly turning towards the stairs, he heads up to the studio. He reaches the studio and makes a bee line for his laptop. He starts to update the site and comes across some old videos of past webcasts. He swings the retractable monitor into view, and plays the videos on that screen. He wishes that he could go back.

He wishes to go back to the days of his childish crush on Carly… back to the days of fighting with Sam… back to the days where all he needed was his friends, his camera, and their web show. They weren't always easy… but they were simpler times. They were times when they were kings and queens of their world… times when they fought against everything that came against them… times when they expected to win every time, if only because of the people who stood with them, and believed in them.

Now the times have changed. Somewhere along the lines, what others said began to matter. Somewhere along the line, they were dethroned and thrown to the raging tides of life. Somewhere along the line, he fell for the mess of blonde hair that had tormented him from the very beginning. Somewhere along the line, the pressure became too much and he did the one thing he never planned on doing. Somewhere along the lines, he lost the will to fight. Somewhere along the line, belief stopped being enough.

His current ponderings, and venture into the past via old iCarly videos had him feeling a bit nostalgic. He goes through the photos that are saved on his laptop. While browsing the albums he comes across one entitled "Us". He never was all that creative. Against his better judgment, he double clicks the album and a slideshow of pictures of him and Sam starts to play on the giant monitor.

They were of him and Sam… when they were together. He sees the smile on his face… its bigger than any smile he's ever given. He sees the smile on her face… It's beautiful. It's not menacing like he's accustomed to, nor is it forced, like it is in many other pictures of her. She's happy... she's happy because of him. He's happy because she's happy. He's sad because he can't make her happy anymore. He's heartbroken because she chose someone else to make her happy. He's angry because the guy she chose made the decision not to make her happy. He's angrier, still, because he made that same decision. He curses himself and stops the slideshow. It stops on a screen cap of the iCarly, in which, they announced themselves as a couple. He curses fate and it's, even crueler, machinations. He sees the smiles that they wear.

Screw the simpler times. These are the times that he wished to return to.

Sam enters the studio to find Freddie staring at a picture on the monitor. Of all the people in the world, _he_ was the last person she wanted to see, and of all the pictures in the world, that one was the worst that he could find. She just received the worst news since the last bit of "news" that _he_ decided to give her. Deciding that she wouldn't think about that right now, she looked up at the, God forsaken, screen cap.

A smile quickly began to form. She immediately killed it. It became a ghost of a smile.

She hears a faint mumbling coming from him as he stood at his cart. Normally she would be admiring him. In times past she would be planning her assault. Now there was nothing when she looked at him. No hatred… no resentment… no desire for revenge… no desire for pre-venge, when he left her she vowed to have nothing to do with him. She said they would remain friends for the sake of iCarly. But it wouldn't be the same. She knew that… and she knew that he knew it as well.

Still interested in what he was saying, she inched closer, being as quiet as she could. She heard him sigh and saw him bury his face in his hands. Then she heard him say, "… I'm so stupid."

An unwilling snort leaves her mouth before she has a chance to stifle it. He spins around on his heels. His heart would be beating through his chest, however, viewing her so closely; his heart seemed to have stopped. As did his motor skills, "Uhh… uhh… uhh…" she watches with a slight, unnoticeable, amusement as he stutters like an idiot.

His stuttering exhibition grew tiresome and she decided to speak up, "What are _you_ doing here?" he released a breath at hearing her voice and his body slowly regained its various functions.

"Umm… I was…" though, he couldn't remember the reason he decided to venture to the studio, while she was there. "I was checking the laptop…" he gestures behind him, though his eyes never leave her, "… for updates and… stuff." She sends him a glare, and nods towards the monitor.

"Does _that_ have anything to do with you updates?" He turns around to see the picture still watching them from its spot in the monitor. A long silence follows.

He wants to ask her about them: If they would've lasted… If they would've gone the distance… If she would've given him another chance… If he still had a chance to be given… He knew better than to take that course of action. He decides, instead, to change the subject.

"What brings you up here?"

"This is practically my second home. Can't I be up here if I want?" she spat out her answer.

Freddie felt the answer hit him right in the face. He could only nod. He didn't really want to ask this, but he knows that it'll be gnawing at him until he finds out anything. "So…" he takes a strained gulp, "How're you and Rick doing?" He immediately feels like crap, but he can't let her see his hesitation, otherwise, she'll attack.

"We're…" she wants to lie… to tell him that they're fine and happy. But she looks into his eyes. She sees the concern that he holds for her. She sees the care that is like none that she ever received from Rick. She sees the same regret that seemed to always radiate off of him. She sees those eyes that she thought loved her… and hope peaks through, hope that maybe he still does. "We broke up."

He looks at her, in a brief disbelief that she actually told him the truth on the first try. Luckily she wasn't looking at him or he would have to do some quick thinking. Then it struck him. _She's not looking at me? Why isn't she looking at me?_ Sam never had any trouble looking him in the eye, even after their break up. It faint… almost unnoticeable… but it was there. He saw it. The glimmer of the light, off of a tear that was making its way down the side of her face. He saw the look on her face. He saw the constant fight between her and her tears.

This tear… this one, tiny, seemingly insignificant, tear… was all it took to spur him to action. He steadily made his way over to her. "Sam?" he calls out to her softly. She looks away, "Sam." He tries to be a bit more assertive; calling her name, instead of asking it. Still no response. He closes the remaining distance and raises his hand to rest on her arm. "Sam." She finally looks at him. Feeling emboldened at the fact that he still had his hand despite the circumstances; he wiped the trail that the tear left behind. "What happened?" He inquired in a soft voice.

There was a, certain, knowing to his voice… as if he knew something was wrong. Again, she wanted to lie. To tell her that she found Rick with some chick, or that she just got tired of him and decided the relationship had run its course, "Something came up. He said he couldn't handle it. He split." Once again, she felt compelled to be honest. She tried to inject some indifference into her voice, but the waver at the end betrayed her true feelings.

"So something comes up, that upsets _you_ enough to cry, and he just decides to split!" Freddie's voice unwittingly rises. Sam gains a look of contempt.

"What do you care? _You_ decided to split too." She marched past him into the studio, "You're no better than he is."

There was another long silence. Freddie had no reply. This whole situation is quickly deteriorating. He looks to her; she won't face him. All the better that way… He has nothing to say that can exonerate him.

"Why?" He heard her ask.

"He gained a look of confusion, "Why, what?"

She crossed the studio in what seemed to be three strides, and punched him square in the shoulder. "Don't play dumb with me, moron." He rubbed his shoulder. Those punches didn't hurt as much as they used to, but he'd be lying if he didn't still feel them. And he definitely felt that one. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." She looked at his face and decided, "forget it. You aren't worth it." And with those words she turned around cast another gaze at the monitor and fell into a bean bag chair. Thus signifying the end of their conversation.

He returned to his laptop. He cast another glance at her in the chair, and then another at the monitor. The silence was suffocating. However, he concluded that if he didn't give the right answers, she'd be suffocating him. And not in the 'I need my space kind of way,' but in the 'I need some air kind of way.' Knowing this, he settled into doing what he had originally intended to do.

Carly had come upstairs to see what happened to Sam. She wasn't lying down like she said she was going to do. She became worried for her best friend. She then remembered that Freddie was up here as well. She became worried for both of her best friends. She rushed up the stairs to the studio hoping that nobody had been killed.

She reached the studio. She paused a moment to catch her breath and prepare to scold Sam for attempted murder. However, when she looked through the studio door, the only sight she saw was Freddie standing at his tech cart. She briefly wondered where Sam could be. She surveyed what she could, through the clear panel in the door. She saw Sam sitting in a bean bag chair. Carly wondered what had occupied Sam's attention so much so that she wasn't currently trying to kill Freddie.

Then she saw it. She had to struggle to stop the coo of admiration from leaving her throat as she looked at the giant wall monitor. She smiled and silently left her two friends to work this one out on their own. If they were left to their own machinations, then maybe… just maybe… they could be friends again… maybe even be what they were before. There was always the possibility that things wouldn't go as she wanted them to… but she had a good feeling about this time.

Sam tilted her head over the edge of the beanbag chair. She saw Freddie intently staring at his computer screen. She knew that look. That's the look Freddie got when he was dead to the world. He was lost in his tech world. She found herself staring at him while he worked. She began to admire him. The way he could work despite everything that's going on around him.

Suddenly, she just had to know. She knew how to get his attention when he was wrapped up in his world. It worked when they were dating, so she figures that it's worth a shot. She heaves a forlorn sigh. She sees his ears jump and knows that she got his attention. "Why'd you leave Freddie?" she needed this. If, for no other reason, than closure.

"Sam… I already told you. I did it for the betterment of your future. I thought that you'd do better without me." Sam gathered the same look of disbelief that she did the first time she heard this, "I know you think its crazy, but its true. I thought you'd outgrow me and I didn't want to be the person responsible for holding you back from whatever you wanted to be. You were… _are_ this great person with all of these different talents. You can sing, you can dance, you can act, you're funny, you're smart, and…" She watched his eyebrows furrow, "You're so much better than I could ever hope to be. I didn't think I deserved you. I thought that if I released you to find someone else, then you could find someone who would be good enough for you."

"That certainly is a lot of thinking that you did." The sarcastic tinge to her voice was not lost on Freddie. Sam shook her head, "you think too much."

"What do you mean?"

"What did I say?" Sam's sarcasm shone forth again, "You do all of this talking about what you think and what you thought…But this is a relationship, not a math problem. It's not about what you think… it's about how you feel." Freddie's face gained a dejected expression. "I know what you thought… but how did you _feel_?"

"Sam…"

"No… You're not wiggling out of this conversation, and I'm not running from it anymore." Freddie brought his eyes up to meet hers. They held a fierce determination that he hadn't seen in a long time. "Tell me how you felt… about us… about me."

"Sam… I loved you, I still love you."

"Then why did yo-"

"Because I love you! I'd rather see you blossom than pigeon hole you into doing whatever you can around here! You have the most potential that I've ever seen… and as much as I hated letting you go, and as much as I hated myself for hurting you, I'd hate myself even more if all of your potential went to waste because of me."

Sam, seemingly unaffected by Freddie's declaration continued, "When did you stop following your heart Freddie?"

Freddie didn't have an answer. He just stared at the floor.

Sam found herself disgusted and a bit saddened at his silence and moved to leave.

"Sam, wait!" Freddie reached out towards her. He found his move quite clichéd and a bit silly but his hand was already out there.

Sam turned around and almost laughed at the absurdity of Freddie's stance.

Watching as Sam stood in silence, Freddie took this chance to speak, "You're right. Maybe I did over think this. Maybe I did approach it as an equation. Maybe…" Freddie paused to search for the words to say, "Maybe I miscalculated."

"Yeah, you miscalculated."

"I made a snap decision based on faulty misconception."

"Hurry up and make your point so I can go." Sam had grown tired of this conversation. She wasn't sure what she had hoped for but it seemed like she wasn't going to get it here.

"I made that decision from the bottom of my heart. I made that decision thinking only of you. I've been in pain over it since it happened, but I never regretted it. So yeah, maybe I went about it the wrong way but I'm not gonna stand here and tell you that I regret anything."

Sam opened her mouth to speak, but Freddie held up a hand.

"I may not regret my decision but I do regret the outcome. I never meant to hurt you. I sincerely thought I was taking the best route." Freddie took a deep breath and strode over to Sam and placed his hands on her shoulders, "I don't know what's going on but I do want to face whatever it is, with you."

Sam still didn't know what she had hoped to get from this meeting with Freddie. She didn't know if she wanted closure or a new beginning. In the end all she had was her gut feeling and it was telling her to go for it.

And there isn't a Puckett alive that could ignore their gut.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

Sam nodded, "Yeah, ok." She smiled and hugged him and he returned her hug in earnest.

Once they parted, Sam looked up at him, with a puzzled expression, "Wait a minute, how did you know something had happened?"

Freddie released her and took a step back, putting a hand on the back of his head, "Well it's a funny story…"

Carly was sitting at the kitchen island on her computer. It had been a while since she'd left them up there by themselves. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but now… she wasn't so sure.

Just when she was about to go upstairs and check on them, Sam came bounding down the stairway. She hopped over the back of the sofa and landed in a sitting position on the couch, albeit a little crooked. She looked over at Carly, "So, watcha up to, kid?"

Carly smiled, "You seem to be in high spirits." She walked over and joined her friend on the couch. She reclined on the couch.

Sam laughed, "You think so?"

Carly nodded, "Mm-hmm." Carly paused, then sat up and looked back at the stairway, "Where's Freddie?"

"Oh, he'll be down any minute, he had to pick up the pieces."

"Pick up the pieces," Carly looked to the stairway and back at Sam, "I was hoping you guys would make up."

Sam reclined into the couch, "Hmmm? Oh, we did."

Carly was flabbergasted, "Well then , wh-" She was interrupted by Freddie's heavy footsteps coming down the stairs.

He was holding in his hands, what looked to be, pieces of his phone. He stopped when he reached the bottom step, "I'll see you guys… tomorrow." With those words he stalked towards the door.

"Later, babe!" Sam exclaimed with a smile on her face.

Her only answer was a series of grumbles. The door closed and Carly reclined into the sofa once again.

After a beat Carly piped up, "You guys are getting along a lot better than before."

Sam turned on the television and folded her hands behind her head, "Yeah, I got a good fellin' about this one."

Carly giggled, "Me too."

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><p>Well there ya have it… another one bites the dust.<p>

Let me know what you think of this one.

Even if you don't decide to review, thank you for taking your time to read my story…

Remember to be on the lookout for a cadre of other awesome stories by these fine individuals.

**~The CABAL~**

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From the lightest of fluff to the heaviest of angst  
>We write it all<p>

Until next time,  
>Deuces<br>KL21


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